Here at The Neurothentic Network CIC, we emphasize the importance of understanding and addressing the emotions of children and adults. We believe that saying sorry often does not mean being sorry, fix what has happened, or prevent something from happening again.
Sorry not Sorry
We understand children (and adults) may need time to process what has happened and safely work through those sometimes quite intense emotions in their own way.
"Harry has a massively hard time with please and thank you and doesn't understand sorry. He tells me he doesn't know what sorry feels like" (Parent quote)
At The Neurothentic Network CIC this is OK, we get it! We can struggle with these things too, as adults!
From our own experiences and working with families, we know:
- Understanding a situation may take a long time
- Feeling sorry might takes weeks, months or more!
- Appreciating unique ways to say sorry is often empowering and more meaningful to everyone involved.
And all of this is OK
Expressing sorry might look like:
- Handing back a toy
- Creating distance between a child, group or situation
- Helping with a game
- Offering a gift
- Not mentioning the "thing", but not doing it again
- And so many more things, the possibilities go on and on!
Feeling sorry might also be so intense it is too much for a small body to cope with, leading to explosive and impulsive "behaviour".
Remember behaviour is communication
Huge emotions are difficult and that is OK and possible to manage without anyone getting hurt, especially if you're allowed time to understand your own body!
As parents we feel a lot of pressure from society in general, but particularly to prevent incidents, to take responsibility quickly and to ensure apologies are made. But who does this help? We believe this is an unfair expectation that has a negative impact on us and our child. It does not benefit anyone else either, not really. We are working hard to change this.
We support taking time to process, reflect, and resolve any issues in the time and way that suits you and your child. Take as long as you need.
We also support parents to allow their child autonomy in these situations. Parents do not always need to step in immediately! We can allow our children to experience challenging situations from both sides, hold safe space for them to process and reflect, and if it can be resolved, support them through it in the way they choose. If it doesn't work, support them through the next plan too. Flexibility is key.
We are responsible for our children but that does not mean we take responsibility for everything they do. By allowing them to navigate difficulties autonomously, we are empowering them, whichever end of the situation they are in.
Sorry is a personal experience and we understand it can be extremely difficult for the child and parent! Incidents will happen and we will help everyone navigate them as safely as possible, with understanding, empathy and compassion. We have all been there, we're all learning and to a degree, I think we're all a bit scared. So remember:
We meet needs, not expectations!
Behaviour is communication.
We encourage autonomy, write your own story!
Note: There's lots we don't expect in our groups, including (but not limited to):
- Attendance
- Punctuality
- Dress code (pj's are fine!)
- Neurotypical social norms like hello, goodbye, eye contact, please and thank you
Most of our sessions are drop-in, come and go as you please, wear what you're comfortable in, and we value neurodivergent communication.
We also encourage feedback, recommendations and questions! We cannot create the environments we all need if we don't know what you need! Keep the ideas coming!